Is it the end? Is it the beginning?

I got used to running out of time. I got used to operating with a certain level of stress. I got used to always having something to do. That feeling of eternally needing to catch up…

I have been working on my undergraduate degree a little at a time since 2011. It took me 4 years to get my 2 year associates degree while still being an at-home parent who was actively involved in my children's school and extracurriculars. I also had to constantly manage a hidden disability, and provided part time hospice care for a dying parent. 

It took me 8 more years to finish my bachelors degree in history. As I traveled along this path I continued to make myself available for my kids for the entirety of their childhoods. They were always my priority. 

There were plenty of potholes in the road. Medical issues involving the aforementioned hidden disability hospitalized me a couple of times when I took on more than I should have. An abrupt separation and eventual divorce from the partner I had since the age of 17 caused a delay in my educational journey as well. 

A few days ago I turned in my capstone paper…

I know I should be feeling any number of emotions right now. I have been working toward this goal for so long, and that paper was the last box that needed to be checked. 

I woke up the next morning with a strong feeling of anxiety. I couldn't quite put my finger on why, and that just added to the anxiety I already felt. As I laid there, taking conscious breaths, it dawned on me. After so many days, months, years of working toward this goal. It felt unsettling to not think about it, or more accurately to not have it weigh on my mind. I felt like something was missing. 

Upon further reflection, I realize that while most people my age are starting to think realistically about retirement and travel; I am just starting my career. Not only that, but I am having to decide what that career might be. 

The plan I had pre-divorce is no longer viable. I have to start from square one, and I don’t know what square that is. The world is wide open in front of me. For my children, who are on their own journeys, this is an exciting prospect. For me, mid-life, starting does not sound exciting. 

Is it the end? Is it the beginning? It is terrifying.