Stuck In the Middle

Reading through scraps and snippets of writings and musings throughout the years has left me melancholy. So many of the same feelings emerge after so many situations; so different, yet often so similar. I am left feeling rather stupid. I have always fancied myself a fairly intelligent person. This potential misconception has led me to a quest for self discovery.

The first gate I run through as my world falls apart around me. I approach the second gate and timidly  look in the mirror, I do not run away; I also do not pass through. I am caught. I am stuck in the middle.

 I am so much happier without the constant reminder of my inadequacies that my ex-partner made so clear. I am also frozen in the reflection of the stranger looking back at me. With so many options and directions in front of me I am stuck. Here. In the middle of my re- self definition.

 For half of my life I have been defined as a doting wife and mother. Now I am left with nothing but questions about who I am without my family. Who am I by myself? I was not ready for that question. Thus, I stand in front of the mirror; frozen in place.

Too Alive To Die

Trigger warning: subjects of grief, loss, and death.

Note: There is hope. The situation addressed is fluid. Cautious optimism is the primary focus. The following is my own attempt to process these complex feelings.

My friend is dying.

Do you ever have words that you just need to write?

    My friend is dying.

                [eyes well, fingers press that worry spot in between the eyes] 

You reach for the pencil again, but you don't know why.

Have you ever had a friend that was there for you in crisis? 

                [deep breath audibly blown out]

That friend knows you.

    My friend is dying.

                [stares at the tip of the pencil, hand goes to forehead]

    My friend is dying.

No one else will ever understand that part of you. 

You will never share that look with anyone else.

You will never hear their stories again. 

No one else could possibly understand; no one knows what the two of you know. 

    My friend is dying.

                [head in hands, hair through fingers]

No one understands.

                [stares at random spot in space.]

I still need them.

They have too much life left.

                [eyes well again]

It’s not their time.

Is it the end? Is it the beginning?

I got used to running out of time. I got used to operating with a certain level of stress. I got used to always having something to do. That feeling of eternally needing to catch up…

I have been working on my undergraduate degree a little at a time since 2011. It took me 4 years to get my 2 year associates degree while still being an at-home parent who was actively involved in my children's school and extracurriculars. I also had to constantly manage a hidden disability, and provided part time hospice care for a dying parent. 

It took me 8 more years to finish my bachelors degree in history. As I traveled along this path I continued to make myself available for my kids for the entirety of their childhoods. They were always my priority. 

There were plenty of potholes in the road. Medical issues involving the aforementioned hidden disability hospitalized me a couple of times when I took on more than I should have. An abrupt separation and eventual divorce from the partner I had since the age of 17 caused a delay in my educational journey as well. 

A few days ago I turned in my capstone paper…

I know I should be feeling any number of emotions right now. I have been working toward this goal for so long, and that paper was the last box that needed to be checked. 

I woke up the next morning with a strong feeling of anxiety. I couldn't quite put my finger on why, and that just added to the anxiety I already felt. As I laid there, taking conscious breaths, it dawned on me. After so many days, months, years of working toward this goal. It felt unsettling to not think about it, or more accurately to not have it weigh on my mind. I felt like something was missing. 

Upon further reflection, I realize that while most people my age are starting to think realistically about retirement and travel; I am just starting my career. Not only that, but I am having to decide what that career might be. 

The plan I had pre-divorce is no longer viable. I have to start from square one, and I don’t know what square that is. The world is wide open in front of me. For my children, who are on their own journeys, this is an exciting prospect. For me, mid-life, starting does not sound exciting. 

Is it the end? Is it the beginning? It is terrifying. 

Where, exactly, is the beginning?

As I wrap my head around re- starting my life, and this blog, I keep wondering… Where does one start their story? I freely admit that I start my stories in the middle, but as I have made my way through life in a way that has seemed like such a winding road; I feel like I have lived multiple [very different] lives. I wonder where to start? Which part of me do I start with? Do I try to start at the beginning? If that's the case, at what point does your story truly become yours? You’re born… But that is not yet your story. That part belongs to the family and friends that raise you up. Your earliest memories can not be trusted. They have context and color that fills the story you remember, but they are impressions that are limited to a child's experiences and ability to understand, and thus cannot be wholly accurate. In the book of life, what chapter does your honest and accurate story begin?

Unexpectations

Finding something unexpected stirs emotion. 

Discovering something hidden makes you resentful.  

So often we find these things out too late to ask why.  

This one question could make it better.  

We forget that the reason would have to be perfect.  

It seldom is.  

 

Forgiveness without reason is part of loving unconditionally. 

Real love is unconditional and unexpected.  

Stay at Home Mom -> Student/ Mom -> Summer Mom

They seem to think I will take care of everything.

They act like it will go back to how it was.

No wonder the house is such a mess during the school year. 

No wonder I always felt so scattered. 

No wonder I always felt ten steps behind.

I wonder why I felt guilty about it.

I forgot how hard it is to be home. 

How could I forget? 

It seems so perfect in a retrospective. 

Don’t get me wrong, I loved it.

I still do. but….

I may go out of my mind this summer.

 

To the little people that live in my house:

  • I am not your maid.
  • I am your Mom.
  • I expect you to do your chores.
  • I will not care for you like you are still babies.
  • I will teach you how to care for yourselves.
  • I will teach you how to care for the home you live in. 
  • I will listen to you.
  • I will play with you.
  • I will remind… once, maybe twice.
  • I will ground you.
  • I will be proud of every good choice you make.
  • I will tell you that as much as I can.
  • I will Love you no matter what.

We Interrupt This Blog For a Retrospective

Sending selfies and pictures to The Campus Eye advisor and Co- Editor became a bit of a thing this semester. This blog post is dedicated to them. Don't be surprised if you get a random picture out of the blue, for old times sake.  

Our first co-editor selfie. This was only the beginning :D  

Our first co-editor selfie. This was only the beginning :D  

The first of what would become a common Tuesday night media chat photo

The first of what would become a common Tuesday night media chat photo

A Charting The Future Gallery Walk. Oh how I love Chsrting The Future. [sarcasam] 

A Charting The Future Gallery Walk. Oh how I love Chsrting The Future. [sarcasam] 

New snow on Coon Rapids campus.  

New snow on Coon Rapids campus.  

Image I made for our Girl Scout cookie Knock off Knock out to promote the paper. 

Image I made for our Girl Scout cookie Knock off Knock out to promote the paper. 

Another Tuesday media chat moment.  

Another Tuesday media chat moment.  

Tuesday media chat selfie. 

Tuesday media chat selfie. 

On campus with my girl. This one made it into the print edition.  

On campus with my girl. This one made it into the print edition.  

Some of The Campus Eye staff hard at work.

Some of The Campus Eye staff hard at work.

Our attempt to organize the print edition. Note the AWESOME large Post It's!  

Our attempt to organize the print edition. Note the AWESOME large Post It's!  

Tuesday night media chat!  

Tuesday night media chat!  

Our last co-editor selfie. Awh... 

Our last co-editor selfie. Awh... 

One of the first really nice spring days on campus.  

One of the first really nice spring days on campus.  

The Campus Eye staffers before the mad rush at the Girl Scout cookie Knock off Knock out. You can check out thecampuseye.com for the results ;) 

The Campus Eye staffers before the mad rush at the Girl Scout cookie Knock off Knock out. You can check out thecampuseye.com for the results ;) 

The Campus Eye Spring picnic selfie :) 

The Campus Eye Spring picnic selfie :) 

Most of the staff visiting ABC Publications.  

Most of the staff visiting ABC Publications.  

Tuesday night media chat multitasking selfie ;) 

Tuesday night media chat multitasking selfie ;) 

Tuesday night media chat selfie :) 

Tuesday night media chat selfie :) 

After Outstanding Student Awards

After Outstanding Student Awards

Tuesday night didn't have a media chat selfie. I wonder if they'll miss getting them?  

Tuesday night didn't have a media chat selfie. I wonder if they'll miss getting them?  

[sniff sniff] I'm gonna miss you guys!  

What I SHOULD Be Doing Meets My Time Suck

I should be studying for my History final.

I should be writing my press release for Media Writing.

I should be relaxing on a Friday night.

I should be celebrating my Outstanding Student Award.

This brings me to my time suck.

What I AM doing is uploading photos and corresponding cutlines for the 2014-15 Outstanding Student Awards to The Campus Eye's website. 

Ahhh, the glorious life of an editor.

All photos are uploaded. Captions are written, each name along with each dicipline or activity the award was for. 

The plan was to place them left, center and right instead of putting them in a gallery format. This would have made it easier to list those not pictured along with those that are. 

The plan failed miserably [Thank you WordPress] and I just wasted two hours on something that I will have to re-do in Photoshop. 

I'm gonna watch Netflix now.

:(

Beginning - Middle - Rewrite

Charting The Update

Last semester I wrote an article about Charting The Future. It is a fancy schmancy name for a much needed update on the Minnesota State Colleges and Universities system (MnSCU). The plan is to make school easier for students to afford and to make college credits more universal from school to school. The process would include input and insight from student groups, faculty groups and MnSCU administration. Pretty straightforward stuff one would think.

This is how Charting The Future describes this: “Develop a collaborative and coordinated academic planning process that advances affordability, transferability, and access to our programs and services across the state.” -http://www.mnscu.edu/chartingthefuture/recommendations.html

Seriously.

The overly complicated process was given direction from an outside consulting firm that was hired by MnSCU’s Chancellor Rosenstone. This gave the revamp project the drama it was missing.

The consulting firm had been hired at a high cost and without the knowledge of the other groups involved. The faculty unions took offense to this. They also thought that their [faculty] involvement was for show and the administration was not taking them seriously. It seemed to them that the administration was pushing their own agenda, partially through the involvement of the consultants.

[big breath]

The story kept changing from week to week. I would barely have a draft ready and edited before it was out of date. I was getting frustrated.

I had done so much research into the process in order to understand what it was, only to find out that it can really be summed up simply as an update to the MnSCU system to make it more efficient and student friendly. [Grrrrrr]

I started my story.

The faculty unions walked out of the process due to what they called “transparency issues” with the administration.

I re-wrote my story as a quick breaking news piece. http://www.thecampuseye.com/2014/10/24/faculty-pulls-out-of-charting-the-future/

CTF was rolling forward without the faculty, student groups were still involved in the revamp with the consultants and the administration.

I ended up writing a quick editorial article about the Gallery Walks that Charting The Future has been hosting on college campuses across Minnesota in an attempt  to get input from students, staff and faculty.

These Gallery Walks consisted of poster boards with complicated looking graphs and bullet points that were worded in the same style as the quote above. When I questioned students about the process after they had time to browse through the Gallery Walk information they were generally more confused about CTF after trying to read through all the information. My personal favorite response from a student was “I basically just came for the pizza”, in reference to the free pizza provided to lure students in.

I was over it. I chose to write an editorial about the process instead of a traditional news story for our print edition.

Spring semester the faculty groups and administration were still not able to come to an agreement in regards to CTF. Governor Dayton made a statement that he would not recommend any new funding for MnSCU schools unless the two feuding groups could reconcile.

This silly fight had the potential to raise tuition and cut programs for the same students that this process was supposed to be benefiting!

I was admittedly too opinionated about this to write a story, but… I was the only one that understood what the heck the whole thing was about so I set my feelings aside and scheduled interviews.

I spoke at length with a professor at Anoka Ramsey Community College that represents the school as part of the two year college faculty union, and then I spoke with the ARCC student body president about the situation. I had great perspectives from the faculty point of view and the student point of view. All I was missing was the administration.

I made an appointment to speak to the President of ARCC and Anoka Tech. Circumstances beyond my control forced me to re-schedule. Unfortunately I had mentioned in my cancelation  email the subject I was intending to talk to him about. The assistant to the president asked me to send her a list of the questions I intended to ask. I politely refused. The assistant politely informed me that the president was a very busy man. I would not be able to get on his schedule for the next couple of weeks. I attempted to take advantage of his “open door” policy, but he was busy or off campus whenever I dropped by.

I was out of options. I felt I couldn't publish the story without something from administration. Eventually I sent questions to be answered via email. The email was forwarded to the vice president and then answered through the school’s PR department. I wasn’t sure how to go about quoting that. I didn’t know if they were the vice president of the school’s words or the PR departments.

I started putting the story together. I was working on the final edits when I got a notification email. The faculty groups and the administration had reached an agreement. My story was now irrelevant. [Grrrrrr - while pulling out hair]

I cut the story down to an update for our print edition.

Sooo done with it.

On a side note: Congratulations to President Kent Hanson for being named president of the year by the Minnesota State College Student Association.          ;)

 

Pause

I got my cap and gown today.

I feel a little silly walking in a graduation ceremony for an associates degree.

I am proud that I have earned it, I just know that this is a step, not the final destination. In the Fall I will resume my education at the University of Minnesota. I feel a bit like a fraud participating in a commencement ceremony when I am not yet done with school.

I was working on some of my required online transfer surveys. Although I stated that my intended major was history the program recommended journalism as a second or alternative major. My time at The Campus Eye must’ve had more of an impact than I realised.

I have really loved the people I have met. I have really hated some of the bureaucracy involved with trying to write a story that might mean something. But mostly I feel lucky to have been able to work with professors that care and students that push themselves.

This has become my new normal. Next year will flip the table and I will have to set up the pieces again.

 

Rewrite in the middle

I have submitted my first draft. I am really not happy with it. The person I am writing about is a really interesting character but the story falls flat. It reads like a fluff piece.

I go take some photos to send in with whatever I end up with for my final draft. I hope that he’ll give me a little more to write while I photograph him.

He starts talking. He doesn’t stop. He leaves his heart on my notepad as I try to write without distracting him. Tears are welling in his eyes and I put my pencil down. I feel like a jerk for taking notes while he spills his best and worst moments to me.

He gathers himself together and I pick up the pencil to quickly write what he had said while the pencil was in the grass. It is my job after all.

I need a complete rewrite.